


Five Times Connor Got Exposed To Memes

by PansexualDonnaNoble



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Canon Typical Swearing, Crack, Gen, Memes, connor learning about memes, hank grew up with gen z memes and you cannot change my mind, shaggy references, thanos references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 00:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17908307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PansexualDonnaNoble/pseuds/PansexualDonnaNoble
Summary: Hank doesn't like this.





	Five Times Connor Got Exposed To Memes

1.

The first time it happens, Hank shits himself. Well, almost. He definitely comes out of it more disturbed.

For once, he was up before 10am, awake (barely) ready to head to work. He had the kid to curse out-or thank, he wasn't sure how he'd feel after breakfast, for it. The android had pulled him out of bed at 6am with only fucking aggressive politeness and an eagerness for Hank to get better at 'being a functional member of human society' as he had put it, shoving a pair of clothes into his hands and going to pick out clothes for himself.

Somewhere in the not-grumpy-from- being- up- before- noon- part of his mind, he supposes he's grateful. Not that he'd admit that.

He gets a breakfast out of it at least, he's been making it himself after finally being fed up with the android doing it every month since he had offered his home to him after the revolution like he _owed_ him or something and had both of them endure a long talk politely asking him to _fucking stop._  He didn't owe the lieutenant a damn thing.

Eventually, he is once again hauled around, Connor gently ushering him out of the house, grabbing his jacket and the keys before joining him outside.

"Jesus fucking- what's the _rush_ kid?" He manages to ask in between the forced speed walk.

He practically hears Connor's paitent smile. "Part of becoming a functional member of society Lieutenant is getting to work on time. And you've been getting better at this Hank. I'm proud of you!"

Jesus. Does he ever think about himself for once. Hank thinks.

"Gee thanks for the vote of confidence kid but I don't have to get to work until eight. it's not even seven."

"It's seven forty ."

"It Is?! When the fuck did _that_ happen?" Hank exclaims.

"At around seven forty." Connor deadpans. His giant shit eating grin is too smart for Hank's liking.

He groans, running a hand over his worn face. "Haha you're a godamn riot now can we go now?" He heads to the passenger side, settling into its cushions and rubbing his eyes as Connor starts the car.

"Fuck I need a coffee." He sighs.

Connor glances at him as he pulls out of the driveway. "There is a coffee shop a few miles from here. Do you want to go?" He inquires.

"Yeah why not, if i'm going to suffer this early I might as well have something hot in me."

Wordlessly Connor nods, his chocolate eyes looking both ways before turning left.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

Eventually they pull up to a bustling  beige cafe, a swarm of people entering and exiting, all more similar to zombies than people. Connor stands to the side as Hank orders, despite the offer of Connor doing it as it would be faster. Hank only manages to get half a word out before another voice fills the air.

"Oh for fuck's sake, you're here plastic?" He hears cut through other conversations.

No. He didn't have the patience right now for Gavin Reed. At least, not enough not to kick him in the balls right now.

Sighing, he turns to see what the problem is.

Gavin's chestnut hair is unkempt, and his jacket sports a slight stain to it as he holds two coffees. Connor watches the other man, offering a polite smile, however fake it may be. And opens his mouth.

"Hello Gavin. Good morning!"

Gavin rolls his eyes. "Yeah yeah good whatever fucking hell to you to, tin can. God do you bring him everywhere?" Gavin directs the last part of his sentence to Hank.

"It's almost 8am. Please, for all our sakes. Politely go fuck yourself." He bites.

Gavin huffs, irritation only growing. "I swear to-"

Whatever retort he has planned dies in his throat, as a nearby person hurriedly runs out the door, bumping into the man on their way. The suddenness of it sends him forward a bit, sending a coffee flying onto the Android with a loud splash.

Gavin curses. Hank groans in annoyance.

"Fucking hell. You alright kid?" Hank asks Connor.

Connor stares down at the floor, eyes fixated on a white tile, before his arms outstretch.

"What the fuck's wrong with-"

Connor opens his mouth, or rather, practically unhinged his jaw as he stands straight, both arms out. In a pose that feels too familiar to the both of them.

"ERROR 69: SUBSTANCE IN CIRCUITRY. PREPARE TO GET THIS BREAD." His voice booms through the coffee shop as if there were seven of him. Gavin steps back as if he's been shot. The shop quiets as people watch the scene unfolding, looking concerned to annoyed.

"What- What the fuck?!" He cries.

Hank lets out a hysterical laugh. "What the fuck did you just say?" He asks.

"LET US GET THIS BREAD." Connor steps forward an inch, arms still outstretched. getting closer to Gavin. Gavin however, scrambles back in horror.

"Don't fucking come near me, who the hell programmed you to say these fucking things!" He exclaims.

Hank however, is losing it five meters away, doubled over in laughter.

"He...He's T-Posing...I..." He trails off, laughter rocking his frame.

"Yeah no shit!" Gavin steps a foot back as Connor gets more closer.

"ACQUIRE THIS BREAD. FIND A BEAR AND FIGHT IT."

The shop's manager cuts through the air, bewilderment overtaking any actual anger at the disturbance. Hank, through the laughter, spares a moment to feel bad at ruining their business for the morning.

"Sir, this is a coffee shop." He pleads.

Connor takes his eyes off of Gavin for the briefest of moments, who he has now backed into a nearby corner, head snapping towards the man like some sort of owl. His eyes narrow.

"CAPITALISM." He angrily booms, practically staring into his soul. "WE MUST GET THIS BREAD SOON." Connor informs Hank.

"I don't even like bread, Connor." Hank replies.

This probably was the wrong answer, as Connor takes his focus completely off of Gavin, stepping forward towards Hank in a way that would incite fear into anyone. His arms are menacing. Gavin stands from his corner to scramble out of the shop.

"YOU WILL......C O N S U M E THIS BREAD." His voice echos.

Hank shakes his head. "Nah."

Connor makes eye contact. "THEN PERISH." He says, coming closer in a manner that makes Hank think he's about to get straight up murdered in a coffee shop by a T-Posing android.

Connor seems to snap out of it however, as he stops short two feet from Hank, brown eyes blinking.

"Hank?" He asks. "Where is everyone?"

The coffee shop is empty, saved for a manager ducking behind the counter and the two of them.

Hank wipes a laugh induced tear from his eyes, heaving a sigh.

"You...I don't know, glitched after Gavin spilled a coffee on you? You _T-Posed_  at _everyone._  Started going on about getting this bread."

Connor frowns. "My defense mechanism must of encountered an error, But, what is a T-Pose?" He asks, eyebrows furrowed.

Hank laughs. "You know, like this." He spreads his arms.

"That's very threatening." Connor states.

"Yeah. Yeah it sure fucking was. Let's just get to work."

\-------------------------------------------------------------  
2.

A few days later, they're both on the couch watching an old movie Hank likes, with Connor asking about the accuracy of ogre's existing. When the night goes on, both of them eventually head to bed. Or rather, Hank goes to bed, Connor does whatever the android version of sleep, actually is on the couch.

The house is quiet, with only Hank's nearby snores to fill the air.

Of course, something has to fuck up said peaceful state.

Something wakes him up, he isn't sure when he got to be a light sleeper, but he rubs his eyes as he sits up, blearily taking in his bedroom.

Nothing is off, if you don't count his bedroom window being wide open, curtains blowing softly. And he _is_  counting it.

His grey eyes squint, before slowly rising from his bed, noticing a light from his bathroom is on. A dark shadow of feet under the door.

He swears quietly, slowly walking to the door. Before a loud crash inside it gives him all the information he needs to start being pissed off.

"CONNOR. INTRUDER ALERT." He yells. He isn't sure why he said it, or what exactly he's expecting, but it definitely isn't for whoever is in the bathroom to swing the door open as Connor violently kicks down the door, mouth open, as he stares down the intruder.

"What are you doing in my swamp?" He softly asks.

Holy _shit._ Hank thinks.

The burglar, who Hank nearly laughs at for not even bothering to cover his face, frowns.

"Wh-"

Something in Connor beeps, loudly, and the next moment a song starts to play from the inside of his mouth, it's louder than anything Hank has ever heard.

"MAKE IT COUNT, PLAY IT STRAIGHT, DON'T LOOK BACK, DON'T HESITATE, WHEN YOU GO BIG TIME."

The intruder's eye's get bigger as Connor goes forward, speed walking to the man as his outstretched left hand comes down on his neck.

The man drops, and the music finally ceases.

Connor slowly closes his mouth, staring down at him.

Hank breaks the silence. "What the fuck was _that?!"_ He asks.

Connor looks at him. "My intruder programming. I kept it due to how useful it seemed. Are you okay?"

Hank stares. "I'm-i'm great actually you know what."

A wave of relief falls over the android's face. "I'll call the police then." He remarks, walking out of the room.

"We are the damn police." Hank mutters, looking at the man on the floor before getting back into bed.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

3.

They have been interrogating this suspect for nine hours.

Hank really wishes he still drank.

The suspect in question is thirty nine Fredrick Gullanno, their most promising suspect in connection to a string of possibly mafia related murders.

And he won't. fucking. talk.

He just wants to get the people responsible, call it a day, and get home to the waiting superhero movie marathon he knows is happening soon. But right now he's five seconds away from shoving an infinity gauntlet up this man's smug a-

"We aren't gonna get anywhere by just talking to him." Gavin groans. "Can't you send in Tin Can to, I don't know, do whatever he did with that one android?" He asks.

Connor's face falls. Ortiz's android. "I nearly scared that poor man to death, Gavin. We wouldn't get anywhere by using force."

Then they were at a loss, great. This was gonna be a long day. Or night. He wasn't sure. Alright then.

After twelve hours, they manage to make him talk. Getting all they needed to know. People are arrested, lives are saved.

Not bad. Hank thinks.

They watch the leader be escorted into a police car, Hank folds his arms. A smirk on his lips.

Connor moves next to him. "That man owes a good amount of taxes." He remarks. "He never paid them. Tax evasion and murder. He...certainly gets around." He makes a face of disgust.

Hank sighs. "That's how mafia works." It comes out of him accidentally. God. He hasn't said that in _ages._

"Yes. That _is_  how."

Hank gives him a look, tempted to explain, before he simply shakes his head.

"Yeah."

\-------------------------------------------------------------  
4 .

"Hey Connor, care to settle this argument?"

Connor looks up from his work, glancing at the voice. Hank and Gavin stand a good few feet away, engaged in a somewhat civil conversation Connor isn't sure he's ever seen them _have._

He moves his chair back, standing from his desk and approaching the two quizzically.

"What argument?" He asks.

"Hey no! Why ask him? He doesn't even understand the complexity of this conversation." Gavin protests.

"That's an awfully big word you said there, and besides, this is a argument over _fucking_ memes. Ain't nothing complex about it." Hank says.

"Memes." Connor echos. He still wasn't sure what those were.

How was he meant to ask this question exactly?

"There's not...any way to ask this the right way but if you had to pick, who could defeat Thanos?" Hank asks.

"Thanos?" Connor questions. "The villain from those old movies you watch?"

Hank runs a hand through his hair. "Yeah, kid. _that_ Thanos."

"Who could defeat him, Tin Can? Shaggy or A furby?" Gavin cuts in.

"Obviously it's fucking-"

"Shaggy." Connor says simply.

"Wait wh-"

"He is the best candidate. Unlike a furby, he is capable of combat. And I hear he is _quite_ powerful. His power exceeding even Thanos's." He continues.

Both of them stare at him for a moment, before Hank speaks. "Who the _hell_ told you that."

Connor looks straight into his eyes. "Oh you know." He says, before walking away.

Hank can't believe he's learning.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

5 .

For once, it's quiet at the precinct, no pressing cases, no urgent deadlines. If he wasn't so tired, Hank could take a moment to appreciate it.

Hank's getting a coffee when in comes a thrashing blonde haired man, handcuffed and _very_  pissed off. Accompanied by two very annoyed, officers.

"Do you know who I am?! My dad's like, super powerful! And i'm missing my band practice right now!" He screams.

Hank sips on his coffee. "Let me just paint the smallest 'F' on the walls for you." He mutters.

"Should I play Despacito?" Connor asks beside him.

He nearly chokes on his coffee. "What?"

"Because this is sad?"

"Who tau- actually, never mind. Sure. Play Despacito, Connor."

Fuck. Hank thinks. He l _earned._


End file.
